Harriet Potter
by LordoftheRingsFanatic
Summary: Doesn't that just jump out at you. Harriet? You did a double take didn't you? Huh? Huh? ;) Go on! Read it! You KNOW you want to! And leave a review! PLEASE!


Harriet Potter  
  
One time I had a dream that Harry Potter was a girl. He…er…she dated Ron. It was so scary that I had to write a story about it. However, in the personality transcribing process, I realized that Harry…well…didn't have one. So I incorporated myself, and some of my friends instead. Enjoy!  
  
  
  
Scene : The Slursly Household  
  
"Up! Get up!" Aunt Pootunia yelled and knocked severely on the door of the small room under the stairs "Now!". A girl's voice answered groggily.  
  
"Blimey Aunt Pootunia it's like 8 am!" But the woman had already left. Quickly the girl got dressed in huge boy's shorts and a plaid shirt and made her way into the kitchen.  
  
"Harriet cook the eggs!" Bellowed (hehe) Aunt Pootunia.  
  
"I am so under appreciated" Harriet said but stopped when her aunt scowled furiously, "Er….yes Aunt Pootunia" She started to make the bacon, but failed miserably and knocked it all over the ground. "Whoopsie!" Abracadabra!" Harriet bent down to pick up the bacon, and (oh so secretly) put it back in the frying pan.  
  
"THERE'S NO SUCH THINGS AS MAGIC!!!!!" a deep voice roared from the table. Harriet looked up in time to see her uncle turn bright orange.  
  
"I know that!" replied Harriet "It's just some random incantation that I saw on a totally made-up cartoon about flying motorcycles…"  
  
"THERE'S NO SUCH THINGS AS MOTORCYCLES!!!!!" interrupted Uncle Varnon.  
  
"Fool of an uncle! Please do not be quite so prestigious" said Harriet bringing the horribly burnt bacon to the table and pausing, so that they may admire her tactful use of the word of the day.  
  
"You are the fool. You are wearing pants." remarked her uncle cleverly.  
  
"They are not pants, dear uncle. Shorts. These are shorts." Uncle Varnon frowned, for he had been mercilessly shot down, and snatched the bacon.  
  
"You shouldn't snatch. Snatching is bad."  
  
Before he could think of anything to say, Aunt Petunia screeched "Heeeere comes the birthday boy!" Doodley waddled in and bellowed.  
  
"How many are there?!"  
  
"55 Doodley. I counted them" said Uncle Varnon.  
  
"I want 56! I want 56!"  
  
"Doodley sweetums we will get you two new presents at the zoo!" said Aunt Petunia. Doodley picked up the plate of bacon and ate it all in one huge bite.  
  
Scene : The car  
  
I was watching a TV show. A pig said 'I am the master of the world. I am a giant pig. I eat stuff'. Harriet said, and then proceeded to make loud, obnoxious noises that would theoretically resemble the eating of stuff.  
  
Scene : The car…….30 minutes later - everyone is looking very bored. Aunt Pootunia is sleeping and Doodley is banging his head against the car door.  
  
"…and then they sang the doom song!" Harriet finished. "Look! It's the zoo!" Uncle Varnon pulled into the zoo parking lot.  
  
Scene : The Zoo  
  
"Make it move. Make it move. Make it move. Make it move." chanted Doodley tonelessly. "Oh no. It is boring." Dudley then waddled over to the next cage and repeated the procedure.  
  
"You are ugly, hence the snake dislikes you" offered Harriet, as she approached the cage that Doodley was staring into. Doodley tried to retaliate, but in his vast effort to locate the part of his peanut-sized brain devoted to comebacks, his brain sizzled into a small pile of ashen vapor, and he was reduced to staring vacantly past Harriet and drooling.  
  
"Interesting…" Harriet said as she tapped Doodley on the forehead and he did little more than blink. "Perhaps, for no reason other than my excessive boredom, I will attempt to break the language barrier between snakes and humans, by communicating with this large snake" Harriet said out loud.  
  
"Mr. Snake! My name is Harriet Potter, and I am trying to break the language barrier between snakes and humans." Slowly the snake lifted it's head, and nodded. "Wow you can hear me!" Harriet gasped, clearly amazed.  
  
"Well I have a list of questions for just such an occasion" said Harriet, pulling out a clipboard "Let's begin. Number one: Are you from Brazil?" (The snake shook it's head yes) "Ah. Wonderful. Question number two: Did you enjoy it there?" (The snake shook his head yes) "How delightful. Question Three. Do you miss your family?" (The snake shook its head no) "How awful. Was that because A. They are a miserable group of worthless stinkies, B. Because you were bred in captivity, or C. Because you are the ruler of cheese everybody must worship you?" (The snake curved itself into a B.)  
  
(Side note : At this point one might wonder how a snake can curve itself into a "B", or -quite possibly- Who exactly is the ruler of cheese? Well, being that this snake is…..it's well…..whatever, it's just magic. Accept it, love it, eat it for breakfast. And as for the ruler of cheese…..that would be me. Take a photo, take two. *cheesy grin* Do you get it? Cheesy grin. It's like a really bad pun. *cough* Er…back to the story.)  
  
"Fascinating!" said Harriet, furiously scribbling notes onto the clipboard.  
  
Suddenly Doodley snapped out of his trance and yelled "I AM THE RULER OF CHEESE!!!!" With this statement that was *cough cough* not true, he jumped through the window, which had mysteriously vanished, and was sitting next to the snake.  
  
"You know this didn't happen in the book" Doodley commented to the snake. The snake just left.  
  
"Thanksssssss" it….er….snaked, as it…um….slithered….out of the room.  
  
"No problem!" Harriet called after it.  
  
Scene : The Slursly Household  
  
"But I didn't do anything!" Harriet protested as they shoved her into the cabinet. "You should be worshiping me for the scientific genius I am! I broke the language barrier be…"  
  
"THERE'S NO SUCH THINGS AS MAGIC!!!!" roared Uncle Varnon and closed the shutters on Harriet's door. 


End file.
